It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
