Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
