so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
