Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
