so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
