he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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