I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
