who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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