So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
