allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
