i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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