put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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