if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
