dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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