I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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