I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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