I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize