I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
