Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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