i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
