I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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