i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
