Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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