I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
