she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so that wasnt chicken after all
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
