come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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