My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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