Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
