I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i drank out of a bidet.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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