WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
