Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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