sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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