dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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