I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
