Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
