you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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