He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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