the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
