I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
