he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
