why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
