ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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