she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
