I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
