Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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