I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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