I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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