Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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