mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
