Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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