I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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