When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
