Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
