i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I need to calm my uterus...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
