I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
