i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Randomize
