please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
