And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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