i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
