dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
