He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
