I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
