I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
