How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
